5 Things T'Pol Observed That Should Not Happen On A Starship
by BonesBird
Summary: T'Pol writes a guide for any future Vulcans planning to serve on an Earth starship.


**This was inspired in a conversation with Sokorra earlier, where we were throwing out stupid ideas because we could. This is set in our roleplay universe, but a couple years into the future, around 2158 (we're in 2156).**

* * *

There had been more than a thousand times she had been annoyed with the human crews of the Starfleet ships in the 8 years she had served aboard Enterprise. Many were too idiotic for her to mention, or for her to relay to others, however much she sometimes wanted too.

Five times stood out in her memory, and they would be the ones she would have to relay to any other Vulcan officer who wanted to serve aboard a human starship. They were things they would need to be prepared for, though hopefully since the missions of Enterprise and Columbia had been such great successes the captains of future ships would get more training than a one day course and a handbook that barely covered half of the situations a Captain was likely to run into out here.

She could always write a book. "5 things I observed that should not happen on a starship." She already knew what she would put in the book, because they were the things she would pass on. Maybe that was something she should do. Then pass it by Captain Archer, just in case it was deemed to be breaking protocol. It was worth a try, wasn't it.

_**Number 5: When Captains' marry, prepare for the 'wedding reception'.**_

_Humans have the most illogical celebrations the night of a wedding. The night before, the bride and groom traditionally do not see each other. This was intriguing on the night before Captain Archer and Hernandez's wedding. I was invited on the "hen night". A most curious invention, where the bride-to-be celebrates one last night of "freedom". I believe there is a male equivalent, Commander Tucker informs me this is called a "bachelor party", though Commander Reed called it a "stag night." I do not understand the significance of these terms, but there they are nonetheless. Captain Hernandez and her friends on this "hen night" seemed to have little care for much more than getting drunk and crying in bathrooms, another custom that Lieutenant Sato assured me is normal for these situations._

_The wedding itself was also an interesting exhibition of human culture. Captain Archer quoted a poem, I believe, and Captain Hernandez rambled somewhat incoherently for a few minutes. Though several of my human crewmates seemed quite moved by what she had to say. Again, many of them cried, none more so than Mrs Archer, whom I had not met until this day. She used my sleeve as a tissue at one point then apologised profusely. I'm still not sure why she didn't have her own tissue._

_The reception, however, was nothing short of pandemonium. I did not know what I was to do with myself, and several of the crew brought their children. After a Vulcan wedding the bride and groom are expected to spend a few days in seclusion to "get to know" one another in a more personal setting, whereas the Captains' both stayed at their reception until midnight, when it was no longer their wedding day. This is apparently another tradition of a wedding. At midnight the bride and groom leave for their few days they have in their version of seclusion. The rest of the night ended with most of my crewmates almost unconscious. I was not in charge of ensuring they got to where they were staying for the night, thankfully it seemed most were staying at the rural retreat for the wedding._

_This was an interesting way to learn firsthand about Human marriage rituals, however, I do not believe I was adequately prepared for the effects of mass inebriation on the people I have come to know over my posting here._

_**Number 4: Being a Captain does not always mean they make good decisions.**_

_Captain Archer has many good attributes. He can be compassionate and decisive. However, occasionally his impulsiveness can damage relations with alien races in a first contact situation. Regardless of this, he has made many successful first contacts. The first contact with the Kretassans could not be claimed as that._

_During the first year of Enterprise's mission, we made contact with the Kretassans, whom were even by Vulcan standards easily offended. Eating was a private act in their society, therefore the mess hall was not the place to take them. The effects of this were felt many months later, when Enterprise was in need of an engineering part, an engineering part which the Kretassans made to the specifications of Starfleet. The Captain's dog, Porthos, once again caused a diplomatic incident._

_This is another thing I do not understand about humans, how they become so attached to their "pets". I have observed the same behaviour with Captain Hernandez and her cat. Grumps. I am unsure why he has that name. Apparently, the cat has a grumpy expression. Is it only a human trait to anthropomorphise their subservient animals?_

_Regardless, the Captain was more concerned about his dog than the safety of his ship, this required a discussion I have rarely had to have with a commanding officer, and one which I have not had to have with Captain Archer since, though when Columbia was damaged last year I came very close to having to remind him of his duty to Enterprise once again._

_The interesting lesson from this is that while humans can be impulsive, they will in times of need listen to logic. It just takes a reminder of what is important, and any Vulcan who serves aboard a human ship will often need to provide that reminder._

_**Number 3: Some humans have a "sixth sense" for trouble.**_

_I have learnt through my observations of humanity is that oftentimes they will attempt to solve any problem themselves before they ask for help. While I have seen this in Captain Archer from time to time, Captain Hernandez seems to have decided that if she cannot solve it herself she will think about it until she can. I have been present at staff briefings where she has gained tunnel vision on one issue on the table. This, while being a commendable attribute as a junior officer or head of department, is not so commendable in a Starfleet Captain._

_She and Captain Archer, however, have developed something of an understanding between the two of them, and Captain Archer knows when Captain Hernandez needs help in a situation. He, however, has been known to rush into this sort of situation too quickly. I understand that the two Captains have had a very long relationship, but I often wonder how the Captain knows his wife is in trouble. I once asked him to explain it to me, and he replied that "I just get a hinky feeling in the hairs on the back of my neck." - It has been two years and I still do not understand this answer. _

_I have brought this up in conversation with Doctor Phlox, and he informed me that it has been known that humans whom are particularly close or connected can "feel" the emotions of the other. He told me this was more prevalent in identical twins, however that spouses have been known to display the same connection. He told me not to worry, that the Captain and his wife are acting perfectly normal for people in their positions. I am unsure why, but this explanation makes me more uncomfortable than it probably should._

_**Number 2: Human "celebrations of culture" tend to include nudity.**_

_Two years ago, there was a human celebration I discovered. It was two celebrations rolled into one, but both apparently signified the beginning of a religious time of fasting and reflection for one of Humanity's religions. I do not believe any of my crewmates nor the crew of the Columbia are religious, however they celebrated this day regardless. I was told that in most of the world it was known as "Mardi Gras", though Commander Reed said he would be celebrating "Pancake Day" beforehand in Enterprise's mess hall._

_Commanders' Reed and Tucker took me to the "Mardi Gras" celebration on Columbia, once again, much like the wedding reception I mentioned in number five, the main purpose of the night appeared to be to imbibe as much alcohol as was possible. I also learnt that it was acceptable for the humans, male and female, to expose themselves to their crewmates in return for "beads", necklaces of brightly coloured synthetic pearls._

_This was particularly uncomfortable to see several senior officers of both ships partaking in the ritual. I would have believed that the senior officers would have been above such displays, it seems however that I was mistaken._

_I was intrigued to watch this particular ritual of human culture, "a night of debauchery" as commander Tucker described it. He and several other members of both crews ended the night singing a song called "Duty, Duty" from a musical theatre production I was reliably informed was called "The Pirates of Penzance." Another curious part of human culture I have yet to explore._

_**Number 1: Science explorations are not camping trips.**_

_There have been many interesting and scientifically valuable worlds discovered during both Enterprise and Columbia's missions before the War began. Once there was a joint exploration of a scientifically valuable region of a planet the ships discovered on a joint mission. Believing the crews to both be in need of leave, the Captains arranged leave for themselves and certain members of the crew, as long as they assisted in the scientific research._

_I did not believe it was appropriate for non-scientific personnel to be assisting in what could have been extremely delicate scientific research, however mine and Commander el-Rashad's misgivings were ignored by both Captains, who believed that the training of Starfleet personnel, regardless of specialty would be acceptable and appropriate. The crew of Enterprise had done that once before, and that had been disastrous, however the Captain thought that regardless of the risks, the benefits of the crew getting some shore leave would outweigh the risks. He and Captain Hernandez arranged for a separate camp for shore-leave a few kilometres from the scientific base camp that we had established. However even with the distance between the two camps, the noise and light from the shore-leave camp hampered our ability to observe the natural habitat of several of the creatures whom lived on this planet._

_It turned out that my misgivings had been correct, when on my return to the ship the following day I learnt of the injuries sustained by some of the crew during an ill-advised game of "hide and seek", and the accidental shooting of Lieutenant Thayer from Columbia. She was "only stunned", but I do believe that she was unhappy with that outcome once she recovered._

_I believe that in the future, the captain will listen and follow my advice when it comes to taking personnel on a scientific mission.~_

She had written them down, and reading them back, she was more impressed than she would have told anyone. It had felt refreshing to write them down and read back over them. She had once heard that "reminiscing" was healthy. However she was doing this as guidance for any future Vulcan recruits to Starfleet. She read through the PADD once more, deciding if the content was appropriate as a guide to understand some of the more complex decisions that had been made in her presence, and some of the more confusing things that she had observed over her time aboard Enterprise.  
She nodded once to herself and stood up, deciding to go and present it to the Captain herself, as she was quite curious to see what he would think.


End file.
